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Hello! If you don’t know me, I am Hannah, the sorting hat of fictional men.

Warner Bros. Pictures

I am back today to sort teen drama men because I have a LOT of opinions! Without further ado, here we go!


Warning: Rulings cannot be overturned. These are definitive.


First up, we have Lucas Scott from One Tree Hill. He is immediately sorted into TRASH.

The WB/ Courtesy: Everett Collection

*NOT* SORRY TO THIS MAN. Lucas was such a pretentious douchebag! He masqueraded as the ultimate well-read romantic dreamer when he was really the biggest fuckboy of them all. He cheated on Brooke (on multiple occasions) AND Lindsay and was so whiny. Remember when he blamed Peyton for Lindsay leaving him at the altar?? That is a man who does not know how to take responsibility.


Next up? Stiles from Teen Wolf! This man is an absolute TREASURE.

MTV / Courtesy Everett Collection

Stiles is the ULTIMATE life partner and no, I will not be taking criticism at this time. I honestly loved everyone on that show, but Stiles was just in a different league. Kind, smart, funny, loyal…what more could you want?!? Also, are we gonna talk about how hot nogitsune Stiles was?


Riley from Buffy the Vampire Slayer may be, like…organic trash (compost?), but he’s still TRASH.

Kwaku Alston / 20th Century Fox Film / Courtesy Everett Collection

Okay, I know you THINK I’m going to say Riley’s main crime is being boring. But I hate him for other reasons, too!!! He was so insecure and couldn’t deal with dating a powerful woman. He didn’t respect Buffy’s decisions and he didn’t listen to her — he’d already created this narrative in his head that Buffy didn’t love him. He was also super manipulative, like when he flipped around his weird vampire sexcapades (bloodsuckcapades?) to be BUFFY’S fault then gave her an ultimatum. Good riddance, Iowa!


This one was hard, but I’m going to have to label Damon Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries TREASURE.

Tina Rowden / The CW / Courtesy Everett Collection

Alright, so he IS a killer. (Actually, he *was* a killer, as — spoiler alert — he’s no longer a vampire now). But behind that fantastic sarcasm and wit was a true heart of gold, and as vampire characters go, I don’t think he’s any worse than the others (such as Angel or Spike or Stefan or Klaus, etc). He was a true romantic who’d do anything for the ones he loved, and he had a great arc. In this universe, it’d be a no, but in the Vampire Diaries universe, this man is gold.


Next is Liam from 90210. Sorry Liam, my foolproof ratings system has definitively labeled you TRASH.

Michael Desmond / The CW / Courtesy: Everett Collection

This dude was almost as boring as Riley. I honestly don’t get any sort of “epic love story” vibes from him and Annie. The guy barely had a personality. And he was honestly such a dick to Naomi when they were together, and then he cheated on her with her sister, and THEN he didn’t even tell Naomi the truth about it not being Annie.


Sam from Glee is 100% a TREASURE.

Adam Rose / Fox / Courtesy Everett Collection

Sam was a sweet cinnamon roll with the floppy hair and guitar of my teenage dreams. Really, what more could you want?


Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl is basically the definition of TRASH.

Kristin Callahan/Everett Collection

Do I even have to talk about this? He assaulted two girls in the pilot alone. Next!


Caleb from Pretty Little Liars was by far the biggest TREASURE on the show.

Eric McCandless / ABC Family / Courtesy Everett Collection

Caleb seemed like such a bad boy, but he was actually the most sensitive guy in the show!!! He was so sweet and supportive to Hanna, but he also challenged and pushed her. He was even a good partner to Spencer (though that relationship did NOT make sense to me). He was also super smart and actually really helpful in the fight against A.


Dan Humphrey from Gossip Girl seemed like a treasure at first, but really he is made of mushy, smelly TRASH.

Giovanni Rufino / The CW / Courtesy Everett Collection

Are we ready to talk about how Dan was as awful as Chuck? He literally stalked his friends for years, he caused Blair’s miscarriage AND ruined her wedding, and he wrote a ton of nasty stuff and released private info about all his friends and pretended he was better than them when he was the worst of them all. Move aside, Perez Hilton.


Mike Chang from Glee was an overlooked TREASURE.

Adam Rose / Fox / Courtesy Everett Collection

Mike was ROBBED of more screentime. ROBBED, I tell you!!! He was an amazing dancer and such a cutie of a character, and I loved every moment we got with him. Why every main character was not fighting over him is the greatest mystery of our time.


Clay from 13 Reasons Why was yet another example of a character that first appeared to be a treasure, but really was just a bag of TRASH.

David Moir / Netflix / Courtesy Everett Collection

Not everything is about you, Clay!!! He was SO superior when he did a ton of messed up stuff just like everyone else. He acted like he was the only one who could see and thus fix the problems of the school, when he actually made a lot of them worse. Season 1 Clay? Cool! But after that? Trash.


Nathan Scott from One Tree Hill is 100% pure TREASURE.

Fred Norris / The CW / Courtesy Everett Collection

Yes, Nathan started out a dick, and he definitely had times where he was bitter and depressed. But he overcame them every single time! He literally had probably the worst dad EVER and came out of it as such a kind father and husband and brother and friend. #Nathanwasthebetterbrother (and it’s not even close.)


Archie from Riverdale, on the other hand? TRASH.

Jack Rowand / The CW / courtesy Everett Collection

TBH, I almost always hate that character who’s supposed to be the “good guy” because 90% of the time they turn out to be a fuckboy or worse (exception: Scott from Teen Wolf). Archie is one of the worst examples of this. We’re supposed to root for him, but I really can’t bring myself to. He’s gotten SO much better in the past few seasons, but in the first few seasons I was ready to slap him. Remember when he left Veronica to go to Canada (but they didn’t even officially break up), then made out with another girl a day later? And then he stopped it, saying he just got out of something serious, and we were supposed to think this was noble??? He was still technically with Veronica! No. Just no.


But Reggie from Riverdale…*fans self.* A TREASURE.

Katie Yu / The CW / Courtesy Everett Collection

Now this is a man. Supportive and loyal but also ASKS for what he wants and needs out of a relationship!! Forever mad Veggie was so short-lived.


Matty from Awkward had so much wasted potential. Sorry, dude, you’re TRASH.

Holly Stein / MTV / Courtesy Everett Collection

So first, Matty was embarrassed of Jenna. He also didn’t even check up on her after he thought she tried to kill herself. Then he decided he did like her after Jake and Jenna started dating and totally sabotaged their relationship. I thought he was going to have this great arc, but by the end he was just an immature, selfish dum-dum who was easily manipulated.


Thomas from Skins was yet another overlooked TREASURE.


We really slept on Thomas. Everyone was all Freddie this, Cook that, but Thomas was so sweet and honestly just on a different level from the others because he was actually a good friend. Yes, he cheated on Pandora, but I think every person on that show cheated at some point, and at least he fessed up.


Ezra from Pretty Little Liars needs to go down the garbage chute ASAP. TRASH.

Kelsey McNeal / ABC Family / courtesy Everett Collection

I don’t think I need to go much into this. Ezra is an actual predator who deserves jail time. Hope they have To Kill a Mockingbird in jail, Ezra. –A


Ryan from The O.C. was the OG TREASURE.

Michael Desmond / WB / Courtesy Everett Collection

I don’t normally like the strong and silent type, but Ryan’s an exception. He says so much even when he doesn’t say anything, you know? He’s got such a good heart and mature soul. *Sigh*


And finally, Tyler from The Vampire Diaries…Sorry, man. You are TRASH.

Annette Brown/CW Network / courtesy Everett Collection

I really wanted to like Tyler, I did. But then he got into that whose-dick-is-bigger match with Klaus and I just started to hate him. At least Klaus was meant to be evil — Tyler was supposed to be the good guy. He was too cocky and easy to anger.


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