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Meet my boyfriend Stephen! He’s a musician from Perth, Australia and he’s never watched The Bachelorette…until now.

For the past few weeks, he’s joined my Bachelorette viewing party* and his reactions to what’s been going down have been hilarious.

Stephen smiles with a glass of rosé

Alex Gurley

*By viewing party, I mean it’s just me in my living room

Since tuning in, he’s been solidly Team Ivan…which *spoiler* didn’t quite work out in his favor this week.

Giphy / ABC / Via

“Ivan is such a good dude, he’s so nice. He wouldn’t hurt anyone! I’d probably trust him to watch my drink.”

Here’s what he thought about this week’s ultra dramatic two-night finale…

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First off, he had a lot of questions about who JoJo Fletcher was and why she was there:

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“Who’s she again? What’s her credentials to give Tayshia advice? Is she the only Bachlorette still in a relationship?”

This may or may not have led to some extensive Googling about Bachelor relationships.

As for the Fantasy Suite, he wasn’t quite sure how he felt about the name:

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“Fantasy suite doesn’t sit right with me. It makes me a little uncomfortable.”

And he raised a good point — What’s the ideal Fantasy Suite night?

“If you go first, you have to sit around while everyone else goes after you but if you go last you know she’s basically made up her mind!”

By 8:07 p.m., we could already feel the awkward tension through the screen.

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Then Ivan’s ice bath date definitely wasn’t something Stephen expected…and who exactly was Big Paulie?

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“How is Big Paulie ‘Ice Bath Kiss Expert?’ Where did they find this guy? I want to know more!”

And after that ice bath: “That’s just cruel that the Fantasy Suite is right after this!”

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He had some pretty strong feelings about Ivan’s Fantasy Suite being in an RV:

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“Oh man it’s a little shack…that’s surely not the fantasy suite. It’s a camper van? They have a whole hotel and the date is in a van? I went on tour in an RV that was bigger than this! They got all this way for their night to be in an RV!”

Then, when it came time for Zac’s Fantasy Suite date, he felt that Ivan had totally been robbed.

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“This date reminds me of that guy on TikTok who mixes the paint and we have to guess what color it’s going to be. I love that guy…And then they get a room later!? How is that fair?”

“I can’t handle the making out on camera! How do they just get used to that? I definitely couldn’t.”

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Same. It’s a good thing we didn’t meet on The Bachelor.

After Zac’s date, any hope we had for Brendan was lost, who got stuck on an incredibly awkward date with Tayshia…and Neil Lane?

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“This date is much less fun. This is a cop out date. You’re not having fun in the bloody ring shop. I mean the platter looked nice…but that’s about it. They’re not even alone! They’re here with this old guy!”

Watching Brendan’s breakup speech unfold was even worse, and Stephen definitely didn’t believe Tayshia thought she was going to end up with with him:

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“As if! Come on. Ending up with him? Get out of town. She’s said that to everyone tonight champ.”

As for the dramatic knock at the door they teased the entire episode, Stephen placed his bets that it was Bennett…again:

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“How long does she have to stand and pretend she doesn’t know someone is going to knock on the door?”

While the guest wasn’t Bennett for the second time, Ben is “basically Bennett without the ‘nett,’ right?”

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“And he basically stole his script! Tayshia better not put up with this. And has he been there the whole time? Did the producers not let him leave?”

After being very disappointed by night one’s cliffhanger ending, Stephen was very ready for the dramatic conclusion as promised by Chris Harrison.

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“I’m so nervous! She better not get rid of Ivan for Ben! No! If Ivan goes and Ben stays…”

Things escalated quickly when Tayshia sent Ivan home for “mysterious” reasons.

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“This all came out of nowhere. What is it?? What is the bomb Ivan’s talking about? And why does no one look as upset as I am?”

Realizing he had to find a new contestant to root for, Stephen quickly switched to Team Zac, hilariously hyping him up for the rest of the night.

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“Good words, Zac! Well said. Things aren’t looking good for Ben now!” And he gave him MAJOR props for being able to pick out an engagement ring without Tayshia’s help.

Of course he wanted to know, “How does the whole denial thing go? Does she let them propose and then say no?”

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Ben didn’t get that chance though, when Tayshia let him down before their final date even began.

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“Poor bloke has no words again, he’s emotionless! He needs to learn how to express himself. Is this fake crying!?”

The remaining 30 minutes of the episode consisted of anxiously waiting for Zac to propose.

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“This whole episode was an extremely drawn out way to say she’s picking Zac. Did we really need two nights?”

And after comparing the final rose ceremony’s setup to The Neverending Story, Zac finally made it to Tayshia to pop the question.

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“I thought Tayshia’s dramatic pause was going to be the end of everything…but I’m glad it worked out for them.”

As for his final thoughts about Bachelor Nation? “10/10 will be tuning in for Matt James’ season in January!”

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